Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
