I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
