After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
