i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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