I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
