can we get nightvision for the apartment?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
