I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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