in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
