If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
