Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
