I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
