my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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