She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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