Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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