Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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