you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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