Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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