just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
