My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
