First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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