I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
