I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
