stop calling my apartment porn island.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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