I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Randomize
