god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
