just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
