I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
