Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
