Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
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