am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
