I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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