You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
false alarm. still invincible.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
