I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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