I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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