We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
