I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
