Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
