do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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