wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
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