no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
