i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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