he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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