It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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