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I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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