Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
