when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
