they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
