Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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