After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
