Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
