hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
